Today I met with my counselor. For the first time, I was scared walking through the doors. Everything seemed to be in slow motion as I took a deep breath and went in. I had no idea what would come out of me in that room. Would I sit in silence? Would I just lose it and completely overwhelm my therapist? Could I really just allow myself to fully be open about my feelings?
As a counselor I am very familiar with the 7 stages of grief. Now that I am grieving, I’m not sure if I buy into the fact that there are only seven. I told my friend the other day that I’m going to title it “the million stages of grief on a Monday.” There just can’t be seven and they are definitely not in any kind of order.
The counselor that I saw today was one we’ve seen in the past. I am a BIG believer in therapy. Not only because it’s my profession, but because it really does help. It especially makes a huge difference if you truly have a trusting therapeutic relationship with the person you are meeting with. Thankfully Eric and I had found one last year that has been wonderful.
So here I go. Into a place I was familiar with, but into a territory that was completely uncharted, unexpected and absolutely terrifying.
You’re probably thinking “wow, is counseling that scary?” It’s not, it’s healing. I’m just unsure how to even begin to heal this wound. My life is shattered.
I sat down on the couch and placed my hand on the empty spot next to me. That was the spot that my husband had sat in, just last year. I looked at that spot and briefly saw him fidgeting with the fidget spinner as he awkwardly laughed. Then I shortly realized that he wasn’t there anymore.
My eyes moved over to meet the face of my counselor and saw tears in her eyes. She told me that she loved Eric. Then, I lost it. “He should be here,” I thought. I think that in pretty much everything I do, I cry out, “He should be here, but he’s not.”
I won’t go into the 90 minute session that I had with my counselor today. To do so, would probably be too much information. Ha! I just wanted to write about a few things that I walked out assured of today.
Eric is in Heaven. When he was four years old, he gave his life to Jesus. I can hear his voice in my head telling me his testimony as he shared it so many times and with so many people. “I was playing with a red truck, my dad was in a big green chair, I jumped in his lap and said ‘Dad, I want to go Heaven when I die.’ ” Then and there he understood that Jesus was his Savior and then and there he gave his life to God.
Eric followed the Lord with all of his heart for all of his life. Even in his difficult seasons, he placed his faith in Jesus. I fell in love with that crazy kid because of his fire for the Lord. I miss him so very much, but I can find peace in knowing that he is dancing, singing (on tune), cracking jokes with Peter, holding our little girl, and praising Jesus face to face. Eric is happy, free, and with his creator (Revelation 21:4).
I’m an absolute mess. Most days I feel like I am drowning in pain and in fear. I have no idea how to deal with this. I am learning as I go. I repeat over and over in my mind, “One day at a time.” However, my faith in Jesus gives me hope. Hope that God will restore all things (1 Peter 5:10). Hope that God will give me strength when I’m weak, peace when I’m scared and anxious, and wisdom when Satan tries to lie to me.
I am strong. I have always known, “in my weakness, He is strong.” but I don’t feel it most days. When I was in graduate school I gained so much knowledge on the processs of grief. I know the steps I need to take, but my heart aches and feels something so completely different. There is a disconnect between what I know and and what I feel. So, I fight to cling to what I know is truth. I hold tight to the Word of God. I proclaim His promises, “He will never leave me nor forsake me,” and that I can “Do all things thorugh Christ who gives me strength.” I am taking the necessary steps forward and will continue to do so.
I recently read a quote in Lysa TerKeurst book, Embraced, “What we see will violate what we know unless what we know dictates what we see.” All I emotionally feel like doing is laying in bed and watching videos of Eric (just being honest). However, God convicts me to share Eric’s journey, not only in my writings but also in my everyday life. I have life and therefore will live it and try not to waste a moment of it.
Eric was so very loved. More than I ever knew and definitely more than he knew, people loved him. His life, his ministry and his testimony reached people all over the world. God made him so very special. I was touched when our counselor told me, she loved him. She knew every detail about him and saw his heart. He had honestly shared his day to day struggles and joys with his therapist. I will cling to the truth that when God saw Eric the day he died, He held him close and said “well done.”
God doesn’t waste our pain. There’s something to learn from this. I always tell those I counsel with that there is purpose in our pain. Though I can’t tell you what is it, and I’ll never fully understand everything, I can confidently say that God will use this for His glory ( “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.” -Isaiah 66:9).
#fightoverfear #alwayslearning #growinggarlands #mentalhealth
Thank you for sharing these words. In the midst of any pain, holding onto the truth as you stated is some days all we can do. We love you and pray God’s peace for you.
Krissie, this is so powerful, and I believe it will help many people who are hurting! Thank you for being brave enough and honest enough to share.
Beautifully written Krissie <3 thank you for sharing with us.
Oh dear one, my husband of 47 years passed away over 3 years ago. He had undiagnosed dementia and as his brain failed we went through all of the phases of mental illness. He plead with me to help him end his life many times. I have a masters degree in secular counseling from 45 years ago, and have experienced death several times in my 70 years, but this time of grief was shocking. I was drowning. You are so right in knowing your thought life is the key and God will minister to your broken heart as you grow even closer to Him. I will love reading your blog and following your journey of healing. Both my husband and I loved Eric. They were so goofy together. God gave Eric the greatest gift of love in you. I love you Becky Wade.
Krissie, I’m in awe of your strength and courage. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, despite the fear and vulnerability I’m sure it entails. I love you and am continuing to pray for you, Joah and Selah, as you guys grieve and heal. I’m just a phone call or text away. Love and hugs!
Jana
So beautifully shared Krissie. I loved that your head knew one yet your heart feels another. Pray you cling to His truth and who He says your are. You are strong, you are loved, you are safe and you are impacting so many in your journey. Bless you for being so transparent. Love you
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My husband passed last March after 41 years of marriage. Much of what you wrote mirrors what I felt during those first weeks, months and now almost a year. God has been so good in providing so many friends who have been so supportive. I have prayed for you daily, having walked in your steps. May God continue to guide your steps and fill you with His peace. Blessings!
Krissie the raw emotion is real. God is faithful. Thank you for sharing this.
I love you friend. And praying for you. So grateful Eric Knew Jesus. That makes this easier but I can’t imagine your pain. I agree there is a lot more than 7 stages of grief. And I am glad you have a trusted counselor to confide in.
I know God will use all
Things for His good. Praying for you and Selah and Joah.
I LOVED reading this. I’ve been praying for comfort and Arms to hold you through your time of need. We love you!!
Love you, praying for you and thinking of you often.
Krissie, we are continuing to pray for you, the kids, and your family.
Mike & Peggy
Thank you Krissie for sharing this for all to read, it really touched me. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a husband BUT I have lost a baby and I know how angry I was but my pastor at the time told me it was ok to be mad at God because he’s got big shoulders and can handle it. So with each day will come new strengths and new hope for you and your beautiful children.
Wow! I am so proud of you, Krissie… transparency is hard but wounds can’t be healed until you expose them. It takes courage and more strength than you ever realized but I pray every open wound will be met with healing. Love you so much and praying for you always.
Krissie, I see your courage, even if you don’t feel courageous. It has been eleven years since we lost our Tommy. We know he is well and whole, and we know we will see him again. Yet, when I least expect it, I miss him so much and grief overwhelms me. You will, as time goes on, be able to laugh again and smile at the sweet memories, but those unexpected moments will grab you and tears will come. Learn to cherish those moments because they are what keeps Eric alive in your memories. I love you and will continue to pray for you.
I lost My husband , the love of my life in Feb. 24th 2014. We were married for 47 years. My life totally changed. I ask God to guide my path from that day because I could not see what I needed to do next. God blessed me with a loving, family that gave me so much support. God gave me a loving church family at DABC that wrapped their arms around me. God blessed me to get to work with kids at FBC Wee Care 2 days a week and a wonderful Wee Care teacher family . God has blessed me with a host of friends that have always been their for me. Through this loss God has opened doors for me to get to minister to other widows that have loss their mate. God has opened doors for me to get to teach and love on Preschooler for over 27 years. God really laid on my heart to stay busy with a plan he had for me after I loss my Joe. Krissie I love you and your precious twins and family and I know God has a special amazing plan for you Love PJ
Krissie, I can’t begin to know how to counsel you, but I know God is faithful. Many tears have been shed and prayers lifted for you and your babies. I have watched two of my nieces walk the road of early widowhood. It isn’t easy. It can only be done one day at a time. I pray that each day will show you a hidden joy to cherish. Love you, Julia
Thanks for having the courage to share your grieving process Krissie.
This is so powerful and touching. I have not experienced the loss of my spouse, but have lost my parents, brothers and really dear friends. Your example is so very helpful. To God be the Glory for using you at “Such A Time As This”. Praying for you and your journey.
Krissie we continue to hold you up in prayer. Thanks for sharing and take all the time you need. God will guide you and comfort you.
Krissie , although we’ve never met, I am in awe of your courage and strength that can only come from the Lord above. I pray for you and your precious family often, along with your sweet mother in law Ellen.
We will continue to lift you up and please know that you are loved by many. I look forward to following your journey and know that it will bless many. ❤️
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your pain. I truly believe that you’re helping others to heal as you heal. Love you friend.
Krissie,
You are so incredibly brave to share your story and Eric’s story. I too believe that the Lord is going to turn tragedy into testimony.
I have no idea of the pain that you are dealing with. I do know that those of us who are part of Caleb and Lacy’s ministry are praying for you and your families.
You are loved and the Lord loves you more than any of us can even imagine. You are an incredibly eloquent and honest writer. I am so very sorry for your loss and pray the Lord will give you strength and that you will feel His arms of comfort around you constantly. Much love.
Krissie,
You are a GREAT writer. So many of us will be stronger and better equipped as you allow us to share in what God is doing for you. Your parents raised an amazing lady. Thank you for allowing God to use your pain for His glory.
Only God. Only God can carry you. Only God can give you this kind of strength so that you can use your shattered heart, your story of loosing the love of your life and the daddy of your babies to help others. Through this you will help many! Through your sharing…. It will help to heal your broken ? . I can’t even imagine or fathom what your going through. Thank you for sharing your heart, & your pain….. your story with us. God Bless you.
Krissie, thank you so much for sharing your story and Eric’s story. My heart hurts so much for you and your precious family. You are in my thoughts and prayers. By being so open in sharing what you’re walking through, I have no doubt at all that God will be glorified and others will be helped.
So many fond memories of the Lain family from our Crestmont days!
Much love to you,
Michelle (Donaldson) Westfall
Krissie thank you so much for sharing. So many people are going to be touched by what you right here. My husband unexpectedly passed away August 2017 at the age of 38. I have 2 little boys. No one ever expects this to happen to be in this situation at such a young age. Over this past year, God has shown me how to trust Him like never before and that He is my Good Good Father. He will lead you through every part of this journey and bless you beyond all measure. He gave me a peace and a strength beyond all understanding and continues to tell me He is with me everyday. I pray for that same peace and strength for you. Know that God is going to use you in so many ways to reach people and speak into their lives.
Many blessings
Tiffany
God bless you and comfort you, Kissie.
Krissie, praying for you and family may you feel God’s loving arms around you. Your words will not only help you but so many others.
What beautiful, open, honest, and transparent words…indeed, many others will be helped by your journey. We are praying for you and your precious little boys.
My heart hurts for you my sister in Christ. One day at a time…one minute at a time may God continue to sustain you. Praying for you.
Thank You so much!