I have sat down many times at this exact computer to write my sweet husband’s story. Our story has been a dance between moments of great joy laced with the painful times of deep sorrow. My husband’s heart was to share his story to help others. His prayer was to use his past hurt, past mistakes and current pain for the glory of God. He didn’t get the chance to share his story before he died. So, to my loving, compassionate, outgoing, broken but God-loving husband-this is for you.
I fell in love with him when he was only 22. He had a unique way of connecting with people. Everywhere he went, he was always the loudest in the room. His laugh would bounce off the walls. His days consisted of sharing Jesus with anyone who would listen and sometimes those who wouldn’t. When I met him I knew that he was special. Every Tuesday night he would pass out waters to the homeless in downtown Fort Worth. He would bring his own gallon jug of water and cups and just sit and talk with people. His heart was to minister to others no matter what avenue that would be in. He loved Jesus and I loved him. We met in seminary in 2009. We both had big dreams to change the world together. We married in the spring of 2011. We struggled for years to have a baby but in March of 2017, God gave us twins. They are the brightest lights in our small world. They are, and forever will be, our “abundantly more.”
On January 4th, my husband went home to be with Jesus. He was 31 years old when he took his own life. These words are hard to write for so many reasons. I still struggle to wrap my head around how someone who had so much joy, talent and conviction could also carry so much pain. My husband battled deep depression–depression that he constantly fought–depression that went unnoticed and ignored–depression that was shamed and depression that ultimately took his life.
His true story needs to be shared. It needs to be a megaphone to those who struggle, to those who hide because of shame, to those who don’t understand and to those who have the power to make a difference.
My husband wrote about his struggles often and I hope that I can share his powerful words in the future as I continue to pray, process and heal. Several days before he died he wrote a note on his phone. I found it days after he had passed away. It reads as follows:
It has been quite a journey for me these last few years. I have hit the lowest of lows. I have battled cancer, addiction, job loss, worthlessness, deep depression, confusion, anger, and hate. There have been days of complete darkness and hopelessness. But there is one thing I will not do…
I will not give up.
Yes, I have struggled with what to believe about God. I have had thoughts of “God, you made a mistake on me.” But every time (every time) my thoughts go there I am reminded of this picture.
Although I am not active in my addiction, I will always be active in my recovery. The mistakes and sinful choices of my past will be used by God to impact my future. I am thankful that when God looks at me he sees a forgiven, pure man that He created and loves. And while I sometimes lack in my faith, He holds me up and tells me…
“Pick your head up. You are not alone. Don’t you ever give up. And when you feel like it is all over. Run to me, and we will walk together.”
I am Eric Garland. A person of worth because of what Jesus says, not because of what society labels me…
#fightoverfear
His words serve as an example of what so many people feel and experience daily. He fought hard. He battled his deep wounds of worthlessness and shame. The lies he believed about himself were very powerful. The lies he believed from others often spoke louder than truth. Yet, he continued to fight to follow and love the Lord every step of the way.
Eric was a pastor for 7 years. It was his heartbeat and it was his “home.” Sadly, the ministry isn’t always the easiest place to be. This may be hard to believe, but ministry can be an extremely lonely and stressful world. He never wanted to mess up and he hated to disappoint anyone. He brought in some past wounds and insecurities, but being in the pastorate added a new level to his “need to have everything together.” Some of this was placed on him from himself, but some was placed on him from others. His stress became greater as he began to have physical symptoms showing the weight of everything. In 2017, my husband was diagnosed with kidney cancer. This was devastating. But, what added to the devastation was that we were hit by the shocking fact that my husband was also battling an addiction to opioids. What started as prescriptions for his physical pain became a full blown out addiction within a year’s time. When we found out about his addiction, he immediately went to rehab and got clean in August of 2017. We are thankful that he stayed clean and was clean until he took his final breath. I am so proud of him for that. Opioids were an avenue to cover his pain for a little while. Sadly, his pain continued. He was eventually diagnosed with depression and ADHD in 2018.
He wanted to share about how God healed him of cancer and delivered him from his opioid addiction. However, it wasn’t easy. He was shamed and rejected for his past mistake. He often felt abandoned and hopeless. Though he was clean and in remission, he struggled being accepted by his old world. He was hired by a church where the main pastors (not the church body) also made him feel worthless, asked him to keep his past a secret, bullied him and rejected him. No matter how hard he fought, this was a harsh reality that so many didn’t seem to understand. Through it all, God did bring several amazing and encouraging prayer warriors and friends our way. They loved my husband and showed him true biblical grace. I will forever be grateful for them.
Depression is like a raging river that has a waterfall at the end. It’s hard to breathe. It’s hard to fight. It’s hard to see what’s ahead. Though you have moments of relief, it’s a struggle to stay above water. That was my husband’s last years on earth. He loved God, he loved me, he loved his children and he loved life; but he could never stop that feeling of drowning. And ultimately he was swept over the edge.
My husband struggled with deep depression. His hurt ran deeply. He made mistakes, and he made a mistake on January 4th–one that will forever change the lives of so many. I am praising God that he is in Heaven now, but I want him here with us. I miss him every day. I think about the things I could have done differently every day, the things that others could have done differently. Every day these haunt me. But, I am reminded to think on the things I can do differently today. I can share his story. I can stand up for truth. I can use his words and his life to help a hurting world. I can love deeply and genuinely. TODAY.
If you are struggling, PLEASE reach out to someone and continue reaching out. I can guarantee you that you are not alone. We are all broken, and it’s ok. It’s what we do with our brokenness. Stand on truth. “You ARE a person of worth because of what Jesus says, not because of what society labels you.” Share your story, keep fighting and do not give up.
My husband wrote this in a recent journal entry:
“The truth is, I am not meant to hide. I am meant to live in the freedom the Gospel has given me. I know we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives. But, all life’s experiences bad and good make you who you are. Erasing any of life’s experiences would be a great mistake. Mistakes can be our teacher, not our attacker. A mistake is a lesson not a loss. It is a temporary, necessary detour, but not a dead end.
More than anything I want my brokenness to enlighten those who find themselves in fear, and shame to be able to see His light… To know that Jesus truly is the great Restorer and Redeemer.”
He is not alone in his struggles while in ministry. It’s hard to be transparent and become vulnerable when it risks threatening your credibility and purpose for your life’s calling to serve God and serve others. I am a pastor’s wife as well, and I will be praying for you and your children.
Bravey Gravy.
Shout it loud, sister! The church needs to hear Eric’s story. Thank you. You are so loved and prayed for.
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A dear friend and I were JUST talking about this very same thing! Is there a way to share this? I would love to share this with the pastors in my church
Thank you so much for writing Eric and ultimately your story as well. My youngest daughter deals with bipolar, ADHD, with PTSD.
I’m praying for you and your twins! God Bless you!!!!
Thank you for sharing from your heart. God will use these words to help others. You and the family are in our thoughts and prayers.
This posts hit home for me. I have struggled with depression for many years. Sadly in our world it’s often a topic no one wants talk about or listen to. Thank you for sharing his story. For reminding me I am not alone in my battle. For showing me what leaving does to your loved ones. I’m lucky that leaving as never been a thought in my mind but it’s even further from my mind now. I continually pray for you in this. Those of us that struggle often forget our loved ones struggle with us. I will keep fighting this awful disease; not only for myself but for others who the disease took to early.
Krissie thank you for sharing! Sending hugs and prayers !!!! Love ❤️ you and your family sweet lady !!!!
Thanks for sharing this… Eric is not alone in the depression… loneliness and pressure of ministry… may Eric’s life and death reach many of the hurting who so desperately need to know they’re not alone!!! We are praying for you and your kids!!❤️❤️❤️
May the Lord continue to wrap his arms around you and show u HIS EVERLASTING LOVE..
Eric, was loved and treasured!!
His memory and story will help so many for years to come ..
Love to u and your babies!!
Marie Anderson
I love you, friend. Deeper than you can possibly know. My heart has ached over this and I have prayed much for you, the kids and the anguish I know you are in. I can’t say it enough, I love you so much!
What a powerful picture. One of deep sadness, but one of immense hope. The hope of a Father who loves and continues to love over and over and over and over… The Hope from a Son who gives and gives and gives and gives and gives… The Hope from the Great Comforter who meets us again and again and again and again. The brokenness in this world will one day be over and “a new Heaven and New Earth” will appear. In this place, no more sorrow, no more pain, no more living in darkness or having to keep secrets. Light will prevail in every aspect and our Savior will return. I am so sorry for your loss, even though we have never met, my heart aches for you, for Eric’s struggle here on Earth and for your children. Continue to let light in and let Truth prevail. Don’t give Satan an inch, not a second from your pursuit of Jesus and His Holiness. He is the ONLY thing that matters. Lean into Him. Trust in Him. Put your Hope Him. I have prayed many nights for you and your family and will continue to do so. You are not alone in this and rest that Jesus has never left you or Eric. His promises stay true and His character stays true in the midst of all things. He has never faltered.
What a brave story to tell. Thank you for your transparency and sharing your story. You are in my daily prayers.
Krissie,
Thank you so much for sharing your and Eric’s story. I am thankful that you are sharing the whole story. My heart hurts for Eric, you and your family. Your message of hope, grace and restoration encourages me. I lost a mentor and friend years ago to suicide as a result of depression and anxiety. Eric’s life and faith in Jesus will continue to teach us. I pray God will strengthen, comfort and heal your heart and grant you wisdom as you need it day by day raising your beautiful children. Thanks again for your transparency in sharing. Life more often than not gets messy; God can handle messy.
Vince Armfield
Krissie, My heart is so heavy for you and for Eric. A great deal of my pain comes from the knowledge of how very precious you both were to me in my ministry at FBCConroe, coupled with the fact that I failed to truly keep connected to you after you left. Eric was young, but he was the best children’s pastor I ever knew. You were both so full of light and life and pure joy that I could never imagine the pain you were experiencing, even after I knew about the kidney cancer and the addiction. I so regret that I never shared with Eric a truth that a wonderful Christian woman shared with me when I was struggling with recurring feelings of low self-worth due to past sin in my life. She said, “When you are wondering how God can love you after the way you have sinned, remember: It is not God who is reminding you of that sin, for as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed it from you.” I don’t know if it would have helped Eric, but it has definitely helped me, and I will never know if it could have helped him. I pray someone who needs to hear it will read it here, and it will help them. I am so deeply saddened by your loss.
I keep you and the babies in my prayers and I will continue to do so…
Krissie,
I thank you so much for your courage to share. I too battle chronic depression and have struggled with it throughout my life. Upon hearing of your family’s tragedy my heart has been truly broken for you all. Know that my prayers have been continually with you, your beautiful children, and with Eric and your extended families and friends as you learn to cope.
May God richly bless you as you continue this journey knowing that Eric’s story will change lives.
This is such a beautiful, powerful, loving tribute to your dear husband’s memory–these words will be very healing to many people dealing with the same struggles. We are praying for you and precious little boys. Many blessings to you all.
So beautiful and I’m glad you shared! I know this will help others! You are a bright light! Praying for you daily!!! Love, Kristin and Jarrod
What a beautiful, sad and true picture you have painted for all of us. May the Lord bless and comfort you and your precious ones each day.
Oh how I love you, precious Krissie! Thank you for sharing Eric’s story, it is so important for others to hear. I want to shield you from the hatefulness that can will probably be directed at you yet I know God will use your response in far greater ways than you never having to face it. My Mama heart cannot stand that your heart is breaking, I am consoled that He binds up your wounds, that He is using you in such a mighty way. I know clinical depression intimately, the enemy has a hayday as he seeks to kill, steal and destroy. You go girl! Shine that light into the darkness that he wants us believe no one can see, light has overcome the darkness and he is defeated!
Thank you, Krissie, for the courage and strength to share Eric’s story and your story as you take this unforeseen journey. Thank you for your vulnerability and telling your truth because you are right that so many struggle with depression. May God continue to comfort you and your beautiful babies.
Brave words from a strong woman. Krissie, we never know how strong we are till the trials come. The trials teach us how strong our God is and how much we need to lean on Him. I am so proud of you. So many people will be influenced and helped by your testimony–Eric’s Story is important! Love and prayers.
To Eric…I love you brother, and I miss you. I’m so sorry that you couldn’t feel the love from all of us; Or that it wasn’t enough to drive away the darkness. I pray fervently that you were able to see the outpouring of love and mourning over your passing. You were loved beyond measure by so many. If only I had one last chance to visit with you, I would try so hard to make you understand. I will never forget your place in my life. I hold it dear, and I look forward to seeing you again. Peace is what I pray.
He knew, Clay! ❤️
Krissie,
Thank you for being so brave. Your healing will help heal so many people. Thank you for using Eric’s story for good. We do love you so and are so thankful that we have you in our lives and Eric in our hearts. ❤️
Love you guys! ❤️
Thank you Krissie for sharing . The Father will use every word you have written . Opens our eyes to the world and church . I’m praying for you and your sweet babies and your parents.
I could feel the honor, humility and tender love you have for Eric you highly valued him well in this tribute! It could not have been written more beautifully in a brokenness that has seen the real Eric in all these stages still knowing Jesus, yet severely broken but not whole because the concept of love is to hard to grasp from the pit of shame that surrounded him daily! I get it! I want you to know! May than you know! Thank you for your courage and obedience in vulnerability in sharing Eric’s story because when I went to word of life bible institute if I am honest this is exactly where I found myself in 2009. like Eric I too have ADD, OCD, Addiction, Hit by a truck ect. Still struggle but I still want Jesus too. I want to encourage you my friend having been there a time or too it’s not your fault! It never has been and it never will be! What Eric was going through was only something the Spirit inside of Him could redeem! Ya know? Like going from your head to your heart? Pain is real and it seems bigger than the ones we love at times because it’s all we can see that’s in front of us. It saddens me that he lost all three of y’all and so many others! You have reading one who has overcome not becoming a mistake for the glory of God! I’m here and would love to pour into you life and love!!
Krissie, you did it… and you did it beautifully. You spoke truth, you honored Eric, and you magnified God. The road to healing is long but it begins with the truth. I pray now that the truth is out that you will be free to grieve, openly and honestly. I love you and am praying for you.
Dear sweet Krissie,my heart is breaking right now.For Eric,for you, your precious babies and all the family and loved ones left behind to grieve such a tragic,senseless loss.I suspected what had happened from the beginning of hearing about Eric and am so sorry to find out that its true.I know the devastation of having a loved one take their life,my younger brother did so in 2007.No one had a clue.He did have a hard time keeping a job and a place to live but he always seemed happy.A dear friend left this earth last summer,after stopping taking her antidepression meds.Another friend,a Viet Nam veteran,who suffered from PTSD,is no longer on earth,after several suicide attempts for over 30 years! The first person I knew that commited suicide was a young,handsome guy in my senior class,he was found out to be gay and could not face the hate. I know that telling you all this does not lessen the hurt and pain you feel but I wanted you to know that this horrible illness affects so many.You and Eric left such special memories at First Baptist in Conroe.I know you will grieve for a long time but I pray that time and your love for God and your family will help you thru the days ahead. May God give you peace and comfort.Hugs and sincere sorrow,Pattie
My Dearest Little Sister,
Thank you so much for sharing this painful truth. It just makes me love you and your family so much more! Depression is a devastating disease – and too often we shame people into suffering in the dark. You have helped countless others by sharing your and Eric’s story. Often the pain of those who are survivors of suicide suffer in silence. Your heart for others, and the bravery to share Eric’s journey, will be used of God in the lives of countless others.
Jesus condemned hypocrites – those who pretended that they were something that they weren’t. Jesus embraced those who were honest about their struggles. People like Eric who experienced, and shared, God’s love and grace with others were friends of Jesus. I am very sad that I didn’t meet Eric this side of Heaven. From all that I have read and heard about him, he would have been a guy that I would have enjoyed spending time with. Transparency is desperately needed in our world today. Hopefully others will follow your example.
My heart breaks that Eric wasn’t embraced by more mature pastors who would have loved him and encouraged Eric to share his REAL story! Eric would have been a man that I would have loved. Recovering addicts are often more honest than most – that’s why I love my friends in recovery! We ALL have stuff – recovering, former addicts are just more honest about it. That’s why some people try to shut them up – because honesty causes us to look at our own hearts. We are all broken people, continually being remade in the image of Jesus until we see Him face to face. Grace seems to be most readily accessible to those of us who have learned how much we need it.
I am so grateful for the ways your family obviously loved and embraced Eric. Hearing that Eric and your Dad were fishing buddies thrilled my heart. You are a beautiful family and we are blessed to know you. It has been a privilege watching God use you and your brothers share the love of Jesus around the world.
Krissie, you and your precious little ones will remain in our hearts and prayers. Because you are sharing Eric’s story with love, compassion, and grace, Eric will continue to minister to others. Your vulnerability, concern for others in the midst of your pain, and deep love for Eric and your children are an inspiration. You are an amazing woman of God.
You and Eric have obviously touched so many lives in such a few years. May the love you shared continue to echo back and embrace you. I pray that the Holy Spirit’s comfort would be more real than your breath.
Krissie, I don’t know you, but thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for loving your husband so well. I believe God sent you to Eric because He loved him and knew you would love him too. I don’t understand what he was going through, but I know he is no longer hurting and asking…your love and devotion are not in vain, they are beautiful sacrifices the Lord used to help Eric. Bless you-
Sweet Krissie,
Please know that our hearts ache and that we are proud of your courage and dedication. William Cowper’s story paints a similar story of God using fellow broken vessels. John Newton’s friendship and others encouraged and were important to him but the paralyzing events of depression were not avoided. His poetry still inspired generations as I’m sure Eric has inspired many and as you are currently doing. Cowper’s poem “Conflict: Light Shining Out of Darkness” has been a source of comfort for me and I hope it is for you also.
We love you and think of you often.
Krissie, I know from experience that there are no words I or anyone else could say to ease your grief. I can say from experience that the crushing pain you feel now will not last forever. It will ebb and flow as it does now, but the pace slows and the moments in between become sweeter. What you are doing is brave and oh so needful. The organization that we are connected through has had both a positive and negative impact on my life and of my children’s lives. Words and the actions that accompany them last forever. The church has decided, in many cases to “sacrifice” the one for the sake of the whole. When I read that your sweet husband was asked to hide part of what made his story potentially so impactful I was saddened and angry, and I am tempering that statement as I feel much more strongly about it. We are shamed when our actions appear to others that Jesus isn’t enough because we continue to struggle. That our faith isn’t “big enough”. The judgment of our apparent lack of proper faith and fortitude of character is crushing when in reality, many times the faith of those that struggle is far bigger than of those that have walked a smoother path. The words you wrote will make a difference. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. I doubt you will ever know what an impact your opening your heart will have on so many. You are in our prayers.
Krissie you don’t know me but I go to church with Caleb, Lacy, Sparrow, and Israel. My heart was broken when I read the prayer email at our church. I began to pray over all of you. We are sisters in Christ and I so appreciate your heart and love as his wife to share his story. I can’t imagine how hard this is. In reading it I got so teary eyed because I see a man of great value and he mattered. But most of all he matters to Jesus! All of us have stuff and some of us have walked with others through hard life’s journeys. I don’t understand it all but I do know that God entrusts is to walk it and point people to our precious Jesus! Your husband did that. There is hope we all have as believers but life here on earth can be very hard. I have lots of friends in ministry and it can be very hard. It breaks my heart. One thing it has showed me is my eyes must stay on Jesus and not man. Man fails. I pray in the name of Jesus that He will continue to be your ALL IN ALL and that He will give you each day what you need. I pray over your precious children. Krissie you are loved and prayed for by so many. Thank you for sharing this blog. I had no idea what you have walked through or what Eric walked through. I am one that doesn’t have to know it I just pray. I love deeply and I pray I have the heart of Jesus to love unconditionally and to encourage in Jesus. I was in a low point years ago and it does not go with my personality at all. Depression is very real and my heart breaks for people who really struggle with it. I am a child of God who has been changed and I will always give glory to Jesus! I am so thankful Eric had a heart for Jesus and he used his story to point people to Him. He will continue to do that. You honored your sweet husband and Daddy to your girls. Bless you!❤️?
Thank you Krissie for you open honesty. We have not met though I do know Eric and his family. How hard it is to understand what people, even friends are going through unless, like you, you can see ‘on the inside’. The Eric I knew was joyful, great communicator and passionate for sharing Jesus. You are now continuing his story, and doing it so that others may ‘profit’ from that last final ‘mistake’.
We pray for you often as well as your’s and his families who also are affected. May they remember his profitable life for Jesus and his legacy.
God Bless you.
Thank you for sharing and for being a voice for Eric as he wanted to be heard. I pray for you and his family daily! Your story has affected me in so many levels. Forced me to look in, hug my 4 kids tighter, look out, love other with more sensitivity and value the gift of life more vibrantly. As a family in ministry, this is so important to embrace! Being in the spotlight is a battle and we are on the front lines! Praying for you sister!
Dear Krissie,
How precious of you to open your heart on behalf of Eric… to tell the story which was so painful to him. It seems as though all of us who knew him (even at a casual level) knew a very special, friendly and open young person. It was always fun to meet up with Eric – I am much older than he, but he made it a JOY to meet up with him. I’m SO sorry he was hurting so deeply.
Again, thank you for opening your heart and allowing us to express our hearts to you. We have been praying for you and your little family and for both of your extended families- who must be crushed in spirit as well.
I have always found these verses to be in encouragement and also to speak of how my heart feels sometimes sometimes….Ps. 94:17-19, 22
NKJV
“Unless the Lord had been my help, unless the Lord had been my help, my soul would soon have settled in silence.
If I say, “My foot slips,” Your mercy, O Lord will hold me up.
In the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.
The Lord has been my defense, and my God the rock of my refuge.”
Thank you so much for sharing! Keep leaning hard into Him!!! Praying for you!
I can relate in some ways as I lost my wife the way when she was 32. I have been and will continue to pray for you and your twins. God will be with you.
Dear Krissie,
We have never met and I wanted you to know your words penetrate my heart and touch this soul. The battle is real, God is our strength, and His Word sure – so woven into your life with Eric. I’m staggered by your honesty, transparency and dependency on the anchor of our soul – Jesus. You, precious twins, entire family, are in our prayers. May we share your story? We have a granddaughter and quite possibly others, who are gripped by depression-no immunity “clause”for believers. Praying this “I have set the Lord always before me, because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.” Ps 16:8
In His love, the Benners
Thank you for telling Eric’s story. Beautifully written, your words will help others as well as yourself. Eric will always be special to us as well as you. We are so glad to have known you and to see your work for God. Let none of us forget that those in the ministry are people also, who may have problems and need our prayers. You and children will continue to be in our prayers and thoughts.
This is such a powerful and moving piece of authenticity . I know that many people relate and appreciate your raw honesty. Thank you so much, for sharing. Society and the Church will change because of intentional perspectives and through brave people like you.
Thank you!
Krissie ~ I do not know you. I am a friend of Hua’s and will pray for you as I continue to pray for her. May our Good, Good Father wrap you in His arms of love as you walk this path. I admire your courage to share so that others can be helped.
Thank you!
Hi Krissy, my name is Lynae Jacob.
Melody Grace is a shared friend and told me about your story. I lost my 25 year old son to opioid addiction. I am have made several T shirt quilts for moms who have lost children. If you have kept Eric’s T shirts, I would be happy to make one for you. You may friend me and private message me, or get my phone number from Melody. I wish you healing in the years that will come.
Thank you. I will be reaching out. Eric has so many T-shirt’s.
Wow Krissie, I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you to write this. But, you did it and so beautifully!! Oh I had know idea he was struggling with depression. He just hid it so well as so many of us do. I’ve struggled with it as well post-pardom, and the lows can just be so debilitating. Thank you for sharing so honestly about his story. It just makes me so sad to hear how the church was not there for him. Just so sad!! I just want you to know I am bathing you in prayer daily. You and your sweet babies! And I just know his story will help so many! Love you girl! And miss you!!
Thank you Chrissy! Miss seeing you and hearing your beautiful voice.
I was so very sorry to learn about Eric. Your blog will surely help you heal – and help others along the way. What a wonderful tribute to your children’s father that one day I’m sure they will appreciate reading. Thinking of you and your babies during your journey through grief. Continue letting your faith keep you strong but when you need to rest HE will carry you.
Thank you!
Praying for you all often
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing. Shame and silence seem to be the main emotions I have seen in situations like this. I needed to realize this years ago before I got help. I have shared this with classrooms for years praying it helps students to get help. I have three who got help but still didn’t win the battle in this life. Many others sought help and are still succeeding. The journey is not easy as I have found out. Continued prayer.
Thank you for sharing. Keep using your story!
Thank you for hitting the “send” button…
Lord…allow us to give more grace…show more love…like Jesus told us to…You are my family, Krissie…and are in my prayers for strength and comfort.
Thank you! ❤️
Krissie – thank you for sharing your journey by honoring Eric and his story. My heart has been broken for you since I heard the news. And it grieves me deeply to learn that men who feel called to lead a church bullied him and weren’t there for him to shepherd and mentor. But it’s obvious to see the body of Christ from all over the country coming around you to love you, grieve with you and encourage you. You are in my prayers and so are you little miracles. There’s another pastors wife who lost her husband last August to depression. Her story and his are very powerful as well. She’s walking the same road as you…just a little ahead of you. Her blog is godsgotthis.com. Her name is Kayla Stoecklein. Andrews story and sermons are powerful and I know she would be a great encouragement to you.
Thank you! I am so very thankful for the body of Christ that has surrounding us. We have been so blessed to be encouraged by so many who love us. I have connected with Kayla and look forward to talking more with her. ❤️
This is very timely. Another congregation is mourning the loss of another pastor in California today. Jim in Lexington’s RealLife church apparently lost his battle with his mind on Wednesday.
I truly believe that depression is a cancer too. It’s deadly and horrifying.
You couldn’t have fixed this. What ifs abound in death. Now, it just is.
No shame. It just is. No backtracking. It just is.
I prayed for you tonight. I’m so sorry.
Oh Krissie – I am so sorry to hear this….I knew him in passing at BBC. my heart breaks for you…. I’ll keep you in prayer…I suffered the loss of a still born only days before your loss…. heaven’s gains have been great, of late….
Thank you so much for sharing. Although we didn’t know you and your family personally, we know your NH family. This is such an important story, and I’m so very thankful for you writing it all out. Praying for you and sending you love from NH. The Winslow Family
Kristie Joy, what a beautiful epitaph of what ‘walking by faith’ can be in the inner struggle & wrestling of the soul. Faith is not meant to be ‘tidy’, it is to be raw & understanding that God sees,& God hears our cries. He yearns to draw us into the Everlasting Arms where for eternity we stand in the Glory of His presence. He is intimately aware of evey fraility, yet He says, “Come to me all who labor, & are heavy laden, & I will give you rest. Takey yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle & lowly of heart, & you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy & my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). Eric’s soul is resting in the abundance of Christ’s light. May you find such rest for your soul, in the light of the Gospel, to stand on the truth, as you call out for others to do the same, even in the midst of pain & overwhelmed spirits.
Thank you for writing this. I was Eric’s art teacher in Schroon Lake and he’s one that I always remembered – the word that comes to mind to describe him would be kind. Your account of his life after Schroon Lake expands on this, how he brought that compassionate heart into the world. It must have been extremely difficult to write this post – thank you. I lost my husband suddenly and the heartache is unimaginable and different for each of us. Sending you love and great respect.
Anne Gregson
Art Teacher at Schroon Lake Central 1989 – 2009
I just cried reading your post. He was so kind. The kindest person I know. It was sweet of you to share that with me.
Thank you for honoring your husband and glorifying God through this horrific trial you are walking. Thank you for sharing your story that others may find healing and know they are not alone.
Love your sister in Christ,
Traci Little
Krissie, I had no idea of Eric’s depression or addiction, he was always so happy and fun loving. We met one morning for breakfast during the time we were selling your house, the owner of the restaurant stopped at our table and talked for a bit and when he was done he looked and Eric… then said mom and dad buying you breakfast… Eric looked at me in surprise and just answered him yes they are. When we got up Eric said thanks dad and we all had a laugh. I would accept Eric as a son and have one about his age. Karen and really enjoyed you and Eric. I just wish we could have known. Eric will be missed and I am so sad you and the kids will not have him but God will see you through to a brighter day! Max
I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and are going through now, but I am praying for you and the twins. Thank you for sharing Eric’s story, as I know it will help so many people. I never met Eric, but from what you wrote about him, I’m sure he would want to continue to help people, even now. ?
Krissie, our stories are similar is several ways. My husband Jeff, was a pastor and we both worked in the ministry together as well. He loved the Lord and shared Him with everyone he came in contact with. He had a drug addiction and started recovery in 2000. We met in 2007 and married in 2008. After knee replacement surgery the drug addiction reared its ugly head and it was a fast and furious spiral downward. He suffered with deep depression and the lie that “he was no good” told to him by his father and brother seemed to shout in his ears louder than anything else.
Jeff was someone everyone loved but it was not enough to cover the painful words from the past. He made others laugh but inside the voices made him almost hate himself even though he knew how much God and I loved him!!
Thank you so much for sharing yours and Eric’s story!
Thank you for sharing, Krissie. I think of you and your family often and I am praying.
Dearest Krissie,
Oh how thankful I am that you had the courage to share your husband’s story with the world. I’m sure it was beyond difficult to write, let alone actually publish. But even if you were to only help one person, that would be all worth it. I’m sure that you will be helping alot more than that though, as there are so many of us fighting this debilitating disease called depression. I’ve struggled with severe depression for at least 30 years and have always felt that others couldn’t possibly understand the lows that it has taken me to. But I also know that it’s even more difficult for our loved ones to know how to help us. My sweet husband tries to comfort me during my lowest moments, but struggles to know “what” or “how”. The way that you described the feeling that we experience as “drowning” is so helpful. I am going to have my husband read this so he can hopefully get a clearer understanding of what I’m going thru. I know this will be a huge help to him and for that, I thank you. PLEASE DON’T STOP sharing your story and Eric’s with the world. There are so many that need to hear it. I look forward to following your blog and reading more. I mostly appreciate your honesty and transparency in a world where we feel as if we can’t be truly honest because of others responses. I’ve been praying for you and your sweet babies. I wish that I could have met you and your sweet husband, but I know that one day we will all be together with The Lord. Until then, try to rest in knowing that your husband is finally at peace and no longer has the daily struggle of fighting this debilitating disease. His life changed people then and will continue to do so now. Thank you and may God richly bless you and your family. ???
Branda Suther
Your words are a beautiful testimony of his life and the story that he has to share. The pain and the hurt that is part of life does make us who we are and your husband impacted the lives of many! Never stop telling his story! One person at a time will be encouraged by the restoration of the father! I listened to your precious husband share the gospel at WOL camp more than one summer. He is not forgotten and he will live on.
I love Word of Life ministry and have several friends who are WOL missionaries. I came across your story via facebook-My father also took his own life and it was a struggle for me to comprehend a loved one’s sudden and abrupt departure…it leaves a big black hole in my heart which no one can understand and comfort. I stumbled and was discouraged by people’s harsh comments. One pastor even told me that my dad would for sure go to hell.
Thank you for sharing and i want to encourage you to vocal about this topic. I am thankful that our church do not encourage to keep one’s past a secret. There is a need for transparency and vulnerability. I am saddened to hear about Eric’s experience by the pastor who bullied him. Pls know that God’s grace surpass all our mistakes and sins.
Krissie,
This is such a touching story of your and Eric’s life. Eric was a dear friend when I worked at the school he attended. You could not have asked for a kinder, sweeter person. I have never had the honor of meeting you but can tell Fromm what ou wrote you are the same. I think of you all each day and you are in my prayers each night. Love to all.
Hey Krissey,
I have so much I’d like to say to you. I wish we could chat in private. I live in North Hudson, just north of Schroon Lake. My kids went to school with all the Garland kids. Shannon and my grand daughter were good friends. My son, Kenny was friends with everybody. We are Born Again Christians. Blood Bought, Spirit Filled, right out of the Bible Christians. My husband is a pastor, and you are right, it is and can be a very lonely place sometimes. He also suffers from depression from a past, long ago that still haunts him and probably will forever. We are the kind of Christians that don’t judge any book by it’s cover. We KNOW perfection is never ever going to happen in this world. There are some who put on a façade of perfection, demand their children appear perfect….we know the only PERFECT person was Jesus Christ. It’s funny when I think of Jesus and His “buddies”, I think of them as the original Hippies. They were high on love, and learning so much from their Lord and Savior. I believe what happened then can happen now. I mean, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow….nothings changed. What was meant for the Disciples was meant for us. The gifts of The Spirit, they are for today. NO DOUBT. There is much I’d like to say, but I can’t say it here. Please contact me. I am so profoundly sorry for the loss of Eric, your husband, and father of your children. I worry about Nichole and Shannon. I pray they are dealing as best they can. Please….reach out, we might have more in common than you think. Again my deepest sympathies….
I love that you shared Eric story you are a brave and wonderful young lady. Eric was a great person and I remember him always smiling and being a very bubbly kid . Our hearts go out to you and the Garland family and rest assured he is looking down from heaven keeping you safe and sending his love and guidance to get you through all of this. Love, prayers and hugs
Krissie, words are the best tools we have to communicate, but they are woefully inadequate when we try to talk about those things that touch our heart and soul. I think that this brief glimpse into your lives is very touching, and although Eric’s work on this earth is done, God’s work with Eric’s story (and your story, too) has a long life left int it.
I praise God that He can give us more grace and comfort than we could ever need, and that he can take something that looks like a tragedy to us and turn it into a triumph for the Lord!
You and your gift of writing are a couple things that I am honored and privileged to hold up to our Lord! God bless you my sister!
Krissie, we are also in the ministry here in a small town in Carlton, GA. It has been a very rough. My husband and I both struggle with depression daily. My husband and I got married in October 2010. We took his hometown church at about the same time. I myself was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in April 2011. Through our trails and tribulations we have grown apart. I have received a cancer free diagnosis for the past 7 years. But I still struggle daily with the harsh side effects from the treatments. But I am a survivor by the Grace of GOD!
Your story brings my to a place of hope in my heart. Thank you for sharing your painful and very tragic loss. I will be uplifting you Krissie and your beautiful family. My you also have abundant joy raising your beautiful babies. GOD BLESS!
Dear Krissie,
Thank you for sharing your heart, and vulnerability and making a difference in the lives of others. My heart breaks for you and all of your family and you are in my thoughts and prayers so often. The Lord brought you to mind yesterday as I was driving down the road, something I’ve not done much of in these last months, and remembering this time in my life one year ago. I was walking the path you are walking today, having lost my husband unexpectedly on January 5, 2018, and my life changed forever. Our circumstances are different, we had almost 45 years together, but the pain nonetheless is the same . We were scheduled to move the day after God called him home, and as my family and friends rallied around me, I went through the motions of doing the next thing. Watching everyone load the U-hauls the next morning, answering questions, making arrangements that afternoon with our children for a memorial service in two days, closing on our new home about which he was so excited on the afternoon following the service, then watching others unload everything into the garage and rooms of our new home that evening following his memorial service. The service at the Military cemetery was delayed for several weeks until arrangements could be made. I think that our gracious God puts a protective hedge about us which allows us to get through those first days, and it is the days, weeks and months to come that we struggle to get through. I’m thankful for God’s grace, His allowing me to see that He has a new assignment for me and the knowledge that He will never me down. I still miss my love every day, long to see him in his favorite chair, next to me, find myself reaching for his hand during praise and worship time in church, and am constantly wanting to share thoughts, or hear him finish mine, feel his arms around me, listen to him call me, “Honey,” and thousands of other things that were unique to “our relationship.”
God is faithful and I’m grateful for His promises, protection and provision in these last months, the opportunities He has given me to minister to friends and others who are facing days in the desert and valley, reminding me of His everlasting love and giving me Hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel of grief that we did not choose to enter. He has given me a deeper understanding for those dealing with loss and I see couples on the street, in parking lots, stores, and worship services in a different light. I long to tell them to make every day count, to embrace the gift of life and to love one another with all that is in them.
You do not know me. I met Eric as a young boy when Ric and Ellen led in so many of our leadership conferences at Word of Life sessions and at camp. I would have loved to see him as he ministered and have a vision of the gifts with which he was blessed by God through your blog. Thank you for embracing this new journey that you have been given and know that you and your precious babies are being lifted in prayer.
Sincerely,
Susan Dupler Mills
You do not know me but I know Josh and Kelly Ruud. What you have written is simply beautiful and very powerful. My brother was a pastor, battled depression, lost his wife and 4 months after that, took his life on September 10th, 2012. So I understand the pain. I also understand the emotions you are going through. The “what if’s” still haunt me to this day. But one thing I hold onto is that Mark is no longer in pain. He no longer battles demons. He is restored. New. Happy. And at peace. And knowing that brings me peace. The journey can still be tough at times, but knowing that this seperation is only temporary makes the hurt seem less. I am SO sorry for your loss. But know that you are not alone on this journey. Praying for you and those BEAUTIFUL babies of yours!❤
Thank you for sharing and for praying for us!