For a moment let us acknowledge the true agony of grief.
I can almost still feel the physical pain of the sharp gravel that dug into my skin after falling to my knees the night Eric died. I can still envision my mother’s eyes as I desparately held on to her in hopes that the next breath would display itself in the cold winter air. To this day I can hear the pure brutality of the words “we tried to save him but he’s gone.” I remember the banging sound of the heartbeat in my chest that I would transfer to his in a second. And then there is the time, oh the time— minutes and hours that were lost before I found you that night— the time I wasted when I should have known you were already gone. I shudder at the anguish endured with every person who first heard about Eric or received a phone call. There was great grief that night and in the days to follow. It seemed the tears couldn’t be contained by any place, but maybe the ocean. The frailty was felt in the weakness of the hearts of so many.
Grief has no posture or position. It holds no shape or size. It does not carry a watch to keep time. It is fragile—it is unique. It’s creative, in that it comes and goes at a moment’s notice, but always chooses to rest in the deepest parts of our soul. I often wonder when God created us, He knew that such grief could exist in one human heart. One year ago, I touched the hand of my late husband one last time. I said goodbye knowing he had already gone. That ache still exists today as I write this—the ache of a goodbye. Grief is a part of me, it may always be, but I have come to learn that so is love. The scars that show our battle wounds are not merely to be looked at as a reminder of what we have been through, but also of what God has brought us out of and carried us to. I can clearly recall moments where the Lord’s strength picked me up, where He showed His face and where He led me along.
I believe that grief is a necessary part of the journey towards healing. Though I look in the mirror and wonder if others see me as damaged, I’m reminded of Ephesians 2:10 and that even the damaged parts of me are made new because the One who stitched me together in my mother’s womb is stitching me together again right now. He has not left my side. He is healing my heart. He has taught me that grace and grief are both overwhelming, and that His love outweighs it all.
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Chris Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” -Ephesians 2:10
Wonderful writing a powerful witness to the love of God for us.
Love you!
Thanks for sharing!!
I so appreciate your writings and transparency and have shared your blog with others that I know would benefit from your blog . Thank you so much for sharing and keeping the faith.
God has created you to be a Special Blessing to others through your Testimony. You have endured so much over the last few years but God is not finished with you & your Sweet Family. I Pray for you & your Precious children every morning during my devotion time. I Love to hear how God continues to Bless you during these times of your grief.
Such beautiful words about such a painful subject matter. Our family has been and is watching God work out HIS plan through horrific circumstances. I am sure that you, as we, have learned that GOD IS GOOD. NO MATTER WHAT, WHEN, OR HOW…God is good. Love you, Krissie.
~~Kitty~~
Beautifully written, in such a way that is compelling and heart felt.
Krissie, thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing. I have a good friend who’s husband took his life right before Thanksgiving and because of your posts and blog, I feel like it has helped me minister to her. My heart breaks for both of you. Thank you for always pointing to the Father and reminding us where your strength comes from. You and your sweet children are prayed for often!
Cindy Jones
Beautifully said. Thanks for sharing. May God bless you and continue to comfort you. Praying for you.
Dear Krissie,
God is forever with you and your children. Praying for their hearts as they continue to grow m, and for yours as you cling to Him. God is enough. Even though we’ve not ever met, my heart goes out to you and your children. He can and always will bring good out of tragedy.
Your journey through loss and grief is inspiring, but I cannot help but wish that you did not have to experience this. You are so precious, and your words are so beautifully tormenting, inspiring, and comforting all at the same time. You and the children are prayed for every day by so many people. I am but one of those. You and your family will always be in my heart!
Sooooo beautifully written, Krissie. My heart bleeds for u. I pray for you and I know the Lord hears.
Thank you Kristie. May our Father continue to strengthen you and mend your brokenness each day.
Wow! I am in tears for the grieving you have been through and that will come. I am in tears for the wonderful promises and hope that the Lord has given you and others close to you and Eric. The Lord is using this to impact, walk beside and give hope to so many who need to hear your journey. Your raw honesty and your abiding faith is so amazing. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are being used in a special way that only you could accomplish in the name of Jesus.
Thank you Krissie for sharing the depth of the chasm of grief that many have known. There is the spark of light from the Saviour of our souls that shines in a spot or crevice or tunnel. The spark is the hope of the tomorrow that journeys us to eternity.
Shine your light Krissie.