My husband Eric had a tattoo that covered most of his right forearm. It said זמן לחפש את הלורד which means “Time to seek the Lord” in Hebrew. The tattoo was an intricate drawing of an hourglass with beautiful details throughout it. It was a tool to share the gospel with others. At the bottom of the hourglass was an obvious shape of a missing puzzle piece. About an inch down was the missing piece. The puzzle piece represented that Christ would make your life whole. The funny thing about that missing piece was that it wasn’t the same shape as the puzzle. No matter how long we stared at it and tried to figure out how it could fit, it just didn’t. There was an error somewhere, but Eric would just laugh and say “it doesn’t fit, but you get the point.”
That’s how I tend to view suicide. It doesn’t make sense, and it probably never will on this side of Heaven. Suicide will be the unsolved mystery that so many of us will continue to replay in our minds. It will be that missing puzzle piece to a puzzle that I so desperately want to complete. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, that piece of the puzzle doesn’t fit. It’s frustrating and I keep trying to make sense of it, but it just won’t and never will–because it doesn’t belong there.
Suicide is not God’s plan for anyone. I have talked to many people who, years later, still question “why?” They still question “what if?” and they continue to comment “if only I had done this differently.” These are questions that circle in my mind daily, though I continue to fight it. My husband and I passed each other while driving on the road that day and I thought he had seen me and would follow me home. What if I had stopped and turned around? What if I would have only called him right at that moment and didn’t wait 30 minutes when I realized he wasn’t home yet? If only I would have, then things would be different. I cannot make sense out of suicide. You cannot make sense out of suicide. We cannot force it to make sense.
There is a mystery in it all that no one can solve or figure out. I am learning that I have to be ok with that. I have to remind myself of my sweet husband’s words, “The piece doesn’t fit, but you get the point.” The point is that even when it doesn’t fit, the message stays the same. We follow the Lord. We serve Him, trust Him and believe in Him. When we don’t understand, we daily discipline ourselves to stand on truth. We choose to walk in faith and in the knowledge that God can and will make everything right in His time.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says:
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Since the passing of my husband, I have tried to set goals for each day. I get out of bed, love on and take care of our twins, speak truth, pray and remind myself to eat. My spiritual goal is to have an eternal perspective. I am so thankful that Eric can have the full picture now. He now knows why he experienced so much pain, why God allowed some things to happen and how God protected him from other things. He also can see how God was with him every step of the way. He sees the end. He sees how God will redeem all that is His. I am jealous of that thought. And though I long to be with him, I am meant to be here. So, our daily discipline should be to have an eternal perspective while God has us walking on this earth. Life is hard and will continue to be hard. We will experience things that are unimaginable. We will question God, cry, scream, have days of doubt and days of joy. Yet, as Christians we should get the point- we are not meant for this world. We are meant for so much more.
While we are here, let us continue to run the race marked out for us– the hard, messy, confusing yet rewarding race (Hebrews 12:1-3). Let us fight against the lies Satan tells us. Let us love each other like Christ loves us– love without shame, guilt, agenda or judgement. Let us stand on the truth that God will redeem all of us who trust in Jesus. Because, though things do not fit and often don’t make sense, “we get the point.”
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, PLEASE reach out to someone and continue reaching out. I can guarantee you that you are not alone. We are all broken, and it’s ok. It’s what we do with our brokenness. Stand on truth. “You ARE a person of worth because of what Jesus says, not because of what society labels you.” Share your story, keep fighting and do not give up.
Well written and important. My prayer is that God would use this to save another’s life.
I love you.
Our hearts go out to you and the twins. And thank you for sharing this important message. Isolation and accusations, especially from one’s internal dialog, are tools of the enemy. Thank you for reminding us that community, mercy, forgiveness, and brotherly love are part of what characterize the Christian walk.
Isolation and accusations, especially from one’s internal dialog, are tools of the enemy.
Wow..
That is so true….
Krissie, your words are so very touching. Thank you for writing this.
Love to each of you.
Thank you for sharing your heart about suicide. I pray for you, your beloved children, and all of the family. May you continue to draw strength from Him as you heal.
Very well written my friend. Again…if there is anything you need I’m here. Love you! Lots of hugs and prayers for you and the babies.
My wife took her life almost 44 years ago. She actually did it in the hospital. It was completely out of my control. She was mentally ill for most of her last nine years.
I still don’t know why it happened and probably never will Only God understands. However, he has continued to bless me during the last 44 years. The secret is to lean on Jesus and follow him and seek his will in all that we do. He will bless us and he will bless you as you continue to look up towards him. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and I’m sure that you are a huge encouragement to many people. May God continue to bless you richly! I have and will continue to pray for you daily for strength and blessing as you raise your two beautiful twins.
God is there with you every single minute. I am honored to see your bravery in each truth.
Krissie, you continue to be in my prayers. You have always been a beacon of joy and hope for me. When we were at HSU together I was going through some really rough times and you would come around smile and say Hi and it helped for a few minutes. I never told you because I would have to admit at the time that I had some demons to deal with. But I want you to know that God uses you to radiate joy and hope when you don’t even know it. He’s got great things in store for you and your precious little ones. Know that we love you and are lifting you up in prayer even still.
Your NSO brother,
Michael
I wept as I read your post and realized I was weeping, not only because of the pain I know you are experiencing, but also the incredible grace I see God pouring through you in what you have shared.
Charles Spurgeon wrote: As sure as God puts His children in the furnace of affliction, He will be with them in it.
Praying for you
Isolation and accusations, especially from one’s internal dialog, are tools of the enemy.
Wow..
That is so true….
I stumbled across this post kind of randomly because of a rather distant connection to Eric via the BI years ago… I have since walked away from Christianity for a variety of reasons… but I just want you to know how deeply this post has touched me. I’ve shut down so much towards Christianity but this have really softened my heart in a way I wasn’t expecting.
I have never met you but I know that you are really really special Krissie. This reflection is so beautiful and so your faith is absolutely astonishing.
I don’t have words sufficient to expresses to you how sorry I am for the pain you are experiencing but I want you to know that your God is using this tragedy and your willingness to share your reflections for good.
I hope the prayers of a lost sheep count for something because I am praying for you to feel and abundance of comfort and peace as you navigate through this experience. I also pray that as you continue to courageously embrace this pain that you will bear witness to the ways in which God is using it.
You are an amazing human being.
I stumbled across this post kind of randomly because of a rather distant connection to Eric via the BI years ago… I have since walked away from Christianity for a variety of reasons… but I just want you to know how deeply this post has touched me. I’ve shut down so much towards Christianity but this have really softened my heart in a way I wasn’t expecting.
I have never met you but I know that you are really really special Krissie. This reflection is so beautiful and so your faith is absolutely astonishing.
I don’t have words sufficient to expresses to you how sorry I am for the pain you are experiencing but I want you to know that your God is using this tragedy and your willingness to share your reflections for good.
I hope the prayers of a lost sheep count for something because I am praying for you to feel and abundance of comfort and peace as you navigate through this experience. I also pray that as you continue to courageously embrace this pain that you will bear witness to the ways in which God is using it.
You are an amazing human being.
I am blessed by your response! God is at work in and through the pain!
Thank you!
I haven’t been able to respond to your post until now. Thank you for your kind words and for your prayers. The prayers of a lost sheep do matter; they matter to me and they would have mattered to Eric. Though he is not with us here anymore, I am comforted in knowing i will see him again because he knew Jesus and loved Him. I may never understand why, but I am confident in that truth.
My brother age 41 overdosed ,autopsies say accidental how they came to that conclusion we will never know he was my best friend ,we had even talked about suicide he said he would never do such but he did.
Thank you for sharing about your brother. I’m not sure if you ever expect it or can imagine it. It is horrible and I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
Read. Palms 91 out loud every day and till you have it in your memory. I love you and pray God will take very good care of you and the twins .
Krisse, thank you for being so insightful and allowing God to use your and Eric’s story. As I read the blog and many comments, I find myself first with tears streaming down my face. But,more importantly realizing more and more of God’s absolute and amazing grace. Not only in my life but, in so many others. Your ability to be open and truthful is appreciated. I wish that I had been brave like you when, I experienced the suicide of my former husband. My situation was different and lot of hurt and shame was part of my marriage. Without going into to many details on this post, I will just say that it was easier to lie about what happened. Since he was a hunter and had access to guns, it was just “better” to pretend that it was a hunting “accident” but that is and was not the truth. Much turmoil had occurred during our marriage, with him battling his ” demons” affecting the children and I gravely. He outwardly confessed Christ at church!! But at home was a different story. So 32 years later, here I am still wondering “what if” mostly was he saved? But, also so thankful that God in his infinite MERCY has carried me through and allowed me to experience his grace so many times, that I can’t imagine life without “My precious Lord and savior” thankyou over and over for sharing. And I hope you know we love you and Eric.
Thank you for sharing your story, Ruth. Thank you for your continued love and support.
Dear Krissie, 34 years ago and a week before my wedding, my brother took his life, and I remember every detail of that night like it was yesterday. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I understand the questions that never seem to go away, but I prayed that I would stay close to the Lord…so close that I could feel His heart beating. It’s what made me feel safe and comforted. Your testimony will touch so many lives. Praying blessings over you and your precious twins. You are loved!
Thank you for sharing, Janna.
I, too, pray this will save another’s life. You never know who is hurting and how the Lord will use your testimony Krissie. Sending lots of love and prayers your way … ❤️???
Thank You, Donna!
Krissie, Every time I read one of these posts, I wish I had words to say to you that would help in some way, but I know in my heart that is neither possible nor my role in your pain. My role, I strongly believe, is to continue diligently praying for you and to trust God to give you the words you need to hear from His chosen vessel to share them. As long as I am alive, know for certain that I am lifting you in prayer, daily and often each day! Even when I don’t know what to say, the Holy Spirit in me does. I just have to be quiet and let Him speak.
Donna, your prayers have covered us through the years and continue to do so. Thank you and love you!
So well written and so honest. God is using you. Through a horrible and painful tragedy the Lord is using you in ways you will never know. You are loved and I am praying for you as I go through every day.
Keep blogging. It is just amazing the power that your words have. Keep remembering. He is with you, He is with you, He is with you. He loves you, He loves you, He loves you.
Thank you Joy!
Krissie, Thank you for sharing your story and grief in ways that can inspire and bring people closer to Jesus! Thank you for using your pain to help others! Prayers for you all!
Thank You Annie!
This fills my heart while it brings tears. I think those tears are necessary to help wash away the pain. Bless you as God continues to guide you down the road of life.
Thank you!
Krissie,
My heart goes out to you. See, I was 9 years old when my dad took his life. I was utterly shocked, but I had a good x- Christian mom, who raised me.
Today, it is still hard to deal with, I still have many questions, but the Lord took care of me & still does today(I’m 55). The only thing I can say is God takes care of me & comforts me daily. You never get used to it, you just deal with daily & God gives you the strength.
Vera Hart (I go to Northside Baptist Church-knew Cody & Lacy’s husband)
Thank you Vera!
Krissie, I remember when you first brought Eric to PBC. I was certain then and I am certain now that he loved you very much. I wrote your parents concerning a disorder I am familiar with.It seems to me that people who take their own lives experience a mental lapse in which there is no more reasoning capability and or a sense of right or wrong. It seems to be a state of mind out of their control. You mentioned that you passed each other on the road, but he didn’t respond….not normal. A favorite speaker says he believes that God always redeems whatever he has allowed us to experience in our lives. I know God is faithful and true. He said he loved you and died for your sins so that you would have eternal life with him. Between now and eternity he is on your side, working out your life for his best for you.
Thank you for always being an encouragement to me, Pat.
Beautifully stated from a beautiful heart. I am so amazed at your determination to share the truth about Eric’s story. Just reading these comments shows that God is at work in a big way. I love having the privilege to pray for you and encourage you. “God is good. God is good to me. God is good at being God. Each day is just another page in our great love story.” ~~Lisa TerKeurst~~
Thankful you you, Kitty!
We never meet but I am WOLBI A. and we have mutual friend…you and your family have been constanly in my prayers.
Krissie, my heart hurts for what you are going through. My husband’s family went through this several times. The comfort that God has given you is evident in your words. And the Bible tells us that the comfort which comforts us, you can use to comfort others. My prayers are with you and those precious babies. Eric is securely nestled in the arms of Jesus.
Thank You Alice!
Dear Krissie,
We continue to hurt for you and pray with you. Your raw honesty, genuine faith, and amazing love flow from your heart as you write.
I am deeply humbled by the way you are allowing your grief to minister to others and point to Jesus.
I will continue to share your powerful and meaningful blogs, and know that many others will as well. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank You Lou for your encouragement and prayers.
Thank you for writing this piece, my brother has been gone for a year and 2 weeks now. For the last year I’ve tormented myself with the why’s and what if’s. Trying to make sense of all the broken pieces, only to realize they just really didn’t go together. Through his addiction, his pain, his sorrow, and mental illness, his need to escape was greater then his desire to live. So many people will tell you, he is in hell because he took his life, I never will believe that, I know where he is, I know through the signs he has left behind, I know from the songs that have mysteriously Played on my iPod, because the song jumped to another song in the middle of a song. Bless you and thank you for posting this incredible message.
Thank you for sharing. I have no doubt that Eric is in Heaven. He had a relationship with Jesus and I’m so thankful that the Scripture reminds us that nothing can snatch us out of His hands.
I know exactly how you feel about it. My son Mo (Moisés Martins) was Eric’s roommate at WOLBI. In 2008 I went through this hard experience and I think your post is wonderful. The grace of our good God will help. Do not give up
Eric spoke of him often. Im sure they have embraced in heaven.
❤️❤️❤️
Krissie, my heart breaks for you and your twins. You and Eric left an impression in my family’s life, and set the bar higher than I have ever seen in how children’s ministry should be run. His (and your) passion to share God’s love with kids, my oldest in particular, will always be cherished by Josh and I.
The way you allow your heart to be shared in a time such as this is so inspiring and rare. Thank you! And thank you for allowing God’s redemptive power and grace shine through you to touch/save lives.
Praying for you and those sweet babies!